okay. its so lame i know im practically WHINING on this blog 24/7 but it's most probably due to final-year stuffs and things ive gotta got concerns on as a final-year student i.e college, future, plans, lifelong goals, stuffs like those but i guess people must've been through this kind of state a lot too. you know--this much of pressure, of fear of not making it big, fear of fucking up, of being a complete failure to thrive and a dissapointment to everyone.

i'm starting to worry now that its been going on for weeks but i guess i'm not the only one feeling this way so it's... probably nothing. i hope. I still have no fucking idea whats all this about though it feels kind of sad, like nothing matters anymore, like i dont even know what im doing or what im gonna do once im, you know, high school graduate, i mean, everybody has plans, and i do too but im just, im not so sure if i really wanna do my plans or something else--it feels weird, like i'm not livin' up a real life. i mean like if i finished high school and college too, then what? get a job? okay getting married too yes but will i be happy then? i also have to cry myself to sleep sometimes FOR NO REASON AT ALL which is just plain craze okay cus you DONT just cry for NOTHING until your eyes red and its hard to breathe, nobody does, that is, im either a) going insane or b) i get asthma.

and whats crazier is i just cant sleep with the lights off which totally does it I SLEEP WITH THE LIGHTS OFF ALL THE TIMES okay, slept, i mean, used to, before the ruts, if you get what i mean.

but yeah whatever that is i hope yall will never feel this way like EVER i dont know how to put it but it doesnt feel like any good, it feels like dementors had gotten my soul of sorts, to say the least, like youre going to end up the saddest and loneliest fuck on this planet but OKAY okay

ON THE OTHER NEWS i started Reply 1988 and it's like SUPER RELATABLE and it's the purest show i've ever watched so if you haven't watched it losers you best do now.

Anddd last but not least i made a playlist on spotify which i call darah muda. literally means "young blood". It's funnier if you're indonesian as it certainly is everything to do with one dangdut hits from the nineties, check it out anyway its lit all the songs are from BTS's LPs and yeah

until then

i hope im over the ruts real soon. have a nice day.

abby.